This essay is about intimate relationships. All relationships are intimate to a certain degree but this is about very intimate relationships. These could be between lovers, family, or very close friends. All the secrets which I reveal here are applicable to all of these types of relationships.
Know thyself
To be something to another that is meaningful, clear, and healthy, we must know ourselves intimately. We must be able to delve into our personality, our psyche, and our world views. It is healthy to question and challenge ourselves from time to time. It is also important to be happy with who we are, flaws and all.
Truly knowing ourselves allows us to set healthy boundaries in our relationships. If you don’t know what you like and dislike, you are subject to the whims of whatever comes along. You may do things that you really don’t like. Gentle and compassionate boundaries are a hallmark of healthy relationships.
Be whole within yourself
If you don’t “have a life,” get one! What do you like to do in your own space? Who are your friends? What do you like about your life? What do you do to practice self care? These are all important questions to have ready answers. If you struggle in one of these areas, make plans to gently engage in growth.
You must be whole within yourself and not expect someone to “complete you.” You are enough. You are magnificent just on your own. Inviting someone to share your space is just that….sharing. You are choosing to allow someone into your intimate space to experience the whole you, the healthy you, and the growing you. You don’t have to be perfect or have all of your act together to engage in a healthy, loving relationship. Instead, you want to be aware of your growth areas and be willing to work on yourself as you can.
Communication is key
Often in relationship we are afraid to share how we truly feel deep down inside for fear of rejection. A healthy relationship is based in honesty and integrity. We are in integrity when our words, actions, and attitude match our core values. We are out of integrity when we bend to another’s will violating what we believe in. Don’t be afraid to speak up when there is something important to reveal.
Healthy communication is compassionate, loving, and leaves space for a back and forth rhythm. Allow the other to fully get their point across. Listen without the intent of speaking. Instead listen with your whole mind and body. Allow for empty space in a conversation so the other feels heard and each has time to process what is being said. When you speak, speak with confidence and integrity. Try to use “I” statements and speak from your own feelings. We cannot know with confidence what another is thinking, so don’t assume.
Own your own stuff
When we listen to another in an intimate relationship, it may be hard to hear what is being said. We take it as criticism and think we are being made “wrong.” We can feel hurt, shame, or blame. Listen with humility. Humility is being teachable not being a door mat. Use your carefully set boundaries.
Learn to listen with a healthy filter. What might be true in what the person is saying? What doesn’t resonate? Leave what doesn’t resonate behind compassionately. Don’t be defensive. Instead, indicate how appreciative you are that they are sharing their thoughts. Take time to consider what has been said before you respond. This may take minutes, hours, or days. Give yourself that space so that you don’t respond from raw emotion.
When you get criticism and it resonates with you, be willing to own it and grow with it. Likewise, don’t be afraid to share what you need from the other. Healthy relationships involve give and take, back and forth exchanges. If the other can not hear you right now, gently back down and save it for another day. Sometimes we aren’t ready to grow and it hurts to truly listen.
You are lovable, you are enough
Remember, you were created on purpose and with expert craftsmanship. You are lovable just the way you are. Perhaps the other you are trying to be in relationship with cannot see that. If so, you might want to consider moving on. The other should love the whole you, flaws and all. Be kind to yourself. Don’t try to live up to an idealized you that is not achievable and judge yourself for falling short.
Practice forgiveness
Mistakes happen. Forgiving is not about the other person. It is about letting yourself off the hook emotionally and energetically. You can forgive without condoning bad behavior. Use your compassionate communication skills to share what you don’t like about the behavior. Then, see the other as someone deserving of compassion. Forgive fully as you can. You may have to work at this over time: minutes, days, weeks, or years.
Above all, forgive yourself. If you have some unfinished forgiveness work to do regarding your own past behaviors, do the work. Get a counselor or spiritual guide to help you. You don’t have to do this work alone. It may be very painful to do forgiveness work. When we forgive ourselves, we are less likely to act from unhealthy ideas that can impact our relationships.
Not a possession
Your special person is not your possession. Watch out for unhealthy jealousy. Remember, they had a life before you entered it. You are sharing your lives, not owning them. Wanting to control someone is unhealthy. We must let a person be who they are. If we cannot accept them or their behavior, we must have the courage to move on. Too many folks accept toxic or abusive relationships. If you are having trouble moving on or escaping from a toxic relationship, seek help and guidance.
Enjoy
Live in the moment and enjoy each other’s company. Be courageous and dream about the possibilities of your lives together. Don’t worry so much about what might happen in the future. Planning is good, and try not to control life with tight fists. With a healthy self esteem, clear boundaries, willingness to forgive, and clear communication, the sky is the limit. Allow the universe to work for you in shaping a healthy relationship full of joy, peace, and love.
